Socializing Abroad
Securing Your Peace of Mind as an Immigrant: Why Learning the Local Language Matters
A few months ago, I wrote a short email course about the importance of learning the local language abroad—even when it seems like a waste of time.
While I primarily wrote for foreigners in Italy, this applies to any immigrant living comfortably without knowing the local language. Take, for instance, the thousands of people in Brussels speaking neither French nor Dutch who consider learning these languages pointless.
After quitting my job, I initially focused on French, mainly for social reasons. I had left my social bubble, and my only connections were former colleagues—we had little in common beyond work.
I remember thinking in February-March 2021:
"It's time to 'belgify' myself..."
But soon after, I also started studying Dutch seriously, despite not needing it immediately.
Better safe than sorry
Just months into my gap year, when I enrolled in Dutch classes, I thought:
"As a freelancer, what if things go wrong and I need to find a job?"
Returning to the EU bubble wasn't an option—I'd left for good—and Italy wasn't in my plans either.
Knowing Dutch was at least as crucial as French, so I pushed through studying it despite my panic attacks...
While writing the email course, I also considered another scenario:
"What if you live with your partner abroad and completely depend on them?"
I know someone who never worked in Italy but chose to stay there with her young daughter while her husband returns to their home country. Though she wisely began learning Italian early, I wouldn't want to be in her situation...
I feel for her, but it reinforces my point.
Unless you're absolutely certain you'd leave if circumstances changed (and can anyone be that sure?), learning the local language safeguards your current peace of mind.
International bubbles and the rest of the country
This detailed piece is mainly for people like me. I dislike the term "expat"—we're privileged immigrants who can work in English. But if you're living somewhere without speaking the local language, depending on family, spouse, or friends, this may still resonate with you.
We have two goals:
- to explore the relationship between languages and human connection
- to reduce our frustration when interacting with locals in our adopted countries.
Given the length, here is a sort of table of contents:
2. There are two kinds of people
4. Duolingo-level (local language) is enough
1. The role of English
First, let's acknowledge that what follows is a broad generalization. Our goal is to be honest with ourselves, look beyond clichés, and rationally consider how to make our lives more enjoyable.
I believe the illusion that English alone is sufficient is a major source of frustration and we need to abandon it immediately.
I'm not sure where this idea originated. Perhaps social media, globalization, and university exchange programs led us to believe we don't need to make extra effort—that working in English is enough.
You may well end up working 100% in English.
But is work 100% of your social life?
I'm not just talking about socializing with colleagues—I mean all possible human interactions you might have.
Interestingly, from what I've observed, education systems are somewhat ahead of this common mindset.
I studied a mandatory second foreign language for three years in school (modest but valuable), and the class after mine at university had to pass a compulsory second language exam (I studied Law).
However, these additional languages are often not taken seriously. Consider the popularity of Spanish classes in Italian schools—students typically aim to put in minimal effort just to pass the subject.
Remember this: even if your work is entirely in English, speaking only English in a non-English speaking country limits countless potential interactions.
Do you want to socialize exclusively with colleagues? What about shopkeepers and casual conversations on the street?
As a "guest" abroad, you might feel comfortable always speaking in another language, but will locals share your perspective?
They might enjoy occasional language exchange, but will you miss opportunities for deeper connections? Can you both engage in truly meaningful, profound conversations in English?
Important Considerations
Have you considered what would happen in a medical emergency when you need to communicate with hospital staff or a doctor?
What if you lose your English-speaking job and need to find work in the local job market?
Beyond these serious scenarios, think about the cultural experiences you're missing simply because you can't understand the language.
If you're raising children in your adopted country, how will you communicate with their teachers and other parents? Remember that international schools aren't available everywhere—and they can be quite expensive.
If you've moved to your partner's home country and depend on them for all local interactions, what happens if the relationship ends or they're temporarily unavailable? Wouldn't you prefer to be independent?
These considerations shape my thinking about the value of learning a language.
What would you add to this list? Have you ever regretted not knowing a language? Or conversely, have you experienced moments when your language skills proved invaluable?
2. There are two kinds of people
Let me start by acknowledging that what follows is a broad generalization. We're simply trying to identify general patterns that can help us adjust our expectations when meeting new people.
I was inspired to write this piece after seeing several foreigners share their experiences in Italy on TikTok, along with stories from my acquaintances across Europe and other continents.
Among the negative experiences, the most common complaint is the lack of social life.
This is particularly interesting because of the typical stereotype that we Italians are always warm and eager to meet new people, making integration supposedly effortless...
Well, not quite. This might be true in some places, but this cliché needs serious revision.
Generally speaking, people worldwide tend to fall into two main groups:
- Those who want to socialize regardless of the language used
- Those who prioritize communicating in their own language over human connection
You'll find varying proportions of these groups in both large and small countries. Of course, it's not strictly black and white, but you'll often hear about the "friendly folks" from region X and the "standoffish people" from region Y.
We won't focus on the "friendly folks" since socializing with them tends to be straightforward. Instead, let's examine the "standoffish" ones.
Do grumpy guys exist at all?
Instead of a clear "yes," I would rather answer with a "maybe."
There are certainly unfriendly people, but what about the vast gray zone between truly unfriendly people and everyone else?
I've lived in Belgium for five years, which has sparked many reflections. There's a common saying that Flemish people are grumpy and unfriendly—I'd like to challenge this perception.
Paradoxically, I've had deeper conversations with Flemings in a shorter time than with French-speaking Belgians. Though these interactions were more occasional, you could say it's quality over quantity. Important detail: these conversations happened in Dutch.
Do Flemings speak English? Absolutely. However, through experience and personal research, you quickly learn that they value language proficiency much more than others. There are historical reasons for this, and I'm convinced that having those chats in clumsy Dutch—from my side—was one of the key factors that made them happen.
To me, they exemplify that unique group of people who prioritize communicating in their own language over having casual social contacts. Having been influenced by the stereotypes myself, I was surprised by their compliments on my language skills—I hadn't expected any reaction, let alone encouragement. They were genuinely appreciative.
When was the last time foreigners' attitudes surprised you? How did it make you feel? What changes when you view it from this perspective?
3. The case of Italians
Are Italians truly as welcoming to newcomers as many believe?
First, there's a clear difference between how certain Italians behave toward foreigners versus how we interact with each other. We also can't ignore the "friendly versus unfriendly" divide.
Before moving abroad, I had limited experience with Italians from other regions. I actually had more contact with immigrants than with my own compatriots.
After leaving Italy, I noticed that some people tend to fulfill certain stereotypes, almost playing a role, as if saying "Yes, this is exactly how you expect me to be." I find this problematic. After all, it's not who you really are: why do it?
I believe it stems from fear. Fear truly explains much of our behavior. While this can manifest as racism toward foreigners, I'd say our most characteristic trait is xenophobia—fear of the unknown. Regardless of origin, this fear exists even among Italians (consider the saying: moglie e buoi dei paesi tuoi > lit. wife and livestock from your areas—could anything be more xenophobic?).
Proportionally, I've heard more complaints about integration difficulties from Western Europeans (who are supposedly culturally closer to us) than from Middle Easterners. While my personal experience isn't scientific data, I'm sharing what I believe you'll find useful.
I believe this comes down to xenophobia again: we actually know Middle Easterners better than other Europeans because they come here to work and settle down, forcing us to know them better. Europeans are mostly tourists who come and go, or clients. The relationship is very different.
My experience of "untold apartheid"
In one of the episodes of my podcast, I share my experience connecting with immigrant classmates at school. I was genuinely excited to befriend them, finding their perspectives more interesting than those of my Italian peers. However, I faced unexpected resistance—my family expressed concern, and I became the only Italian in a group of about 10 foreigners. When we went out together, people would ask if I too was an immigrant, unable to imagine that an Italian would choose to socialize with foreigners. This reaction stemmed from deep-seated fear.
I believe such attitudes represent a silent majority of the population.
Most Italians encounter foreigners only during holidays or at university. Very few of us have had meaningful interactions with people from Morocco, the Philippines, Albania, Romania, Peru, and similar countries during our formative years at age 12.
Therefore, I'd say only a small portion of Italians are naturally inclined to socialize across cultural boundaries. For most, communicating in their native language remains an unconscious priority.
Why Speaking Each Other's Language Matters
It's a crucial way to build trust and gradually overcome the fear of the unfamiliar.
Consider this reality: most Italians aren't confident in foreign languages. Their fear of making mistakes and looking foolish compounds their fear of the unknown (we have an expression, "fare bella figura"—meaning "to make a good impression"—which is a fundamental cultural pillar). The simplest solution? Avoid contact altogether. While unhealthy, this response follows its own logic.
You might think: "Great, I'll just use some basic Duolingo and win them over!" (this applies to any nationality)
Think about your own experiences with stereotypes and xenophobia in your country or culture. How did you overcome these issues?
4. Duolingo-level Skills Aren't Enough
Proficiency is necessary for important languages, not for Italian/Dutch/(add your less relevant language of choice)…
Let's challenge this misconception.
Why invest effort in mastering the local language?
While some people may appreciate your basic efforts, if you're reading this, you likely want to move beyond simple small talk.
Setting aside professional requirements—since not many jobs demand local language proficiency—there's still a compelling reason to learn.
When you genuinely want to connect with people, you're seeking deeper relationships. Meaningful friendships require meaningful conversations—but how can you have those?
The answer is language proficiency. By moving well beyond basic survival phrases. Perfect grammar isn't necessary, but you need to express your thoughts clearly without constantly simplifying your ideas due to limited language skills.
Oversimplifying makes chats boring
If your level is too low, first of all, the risk of being misunderstood is higher. Secondly, conversations become less engaging. It's like chatting with a child. Wouldn't you get bored after a while? Those of us living in communities that speak a different language often forget this. People aren't necessarily always interested in us. Making ourselves interesting to our hosts is part of the game.
I live in Brussels, and I love going to conversation tables to help people with languages. I speak French decently, and soon I'll be able to help beginners with Dutch too. But which conversation table do I enjoy most?
The ones with the highest level.
Why? For the reasons mentioned above: not only can I learn from natives and improve myself, but when I help others, the conversations are simply more interesting!
You can be the nicest and most welcoming person on earth, but you too—in the end—would get tired of dealing only with people who have poor language skills.
Similarly, you might be the most interesting person on earth, but others will get bored if you can't express yourself effectively. Indeed, there are "pickier" or "stricter" populations who expect a high level of proficiency. This can happen for various reasons. For instance, a very homogeneous country may simply not be used to hearing a foreign accent, and rather than make the effort to "decipher" what you're saying, they might prefer switching to a more workable language.
And speaking of accent, that's another important point I'd like to discuss.
Meanwhile, take a moment to evaluate your current language proficiency and consider how better skills could enhance your experiences.
5. A little secret
Good pronunciation is one of the best-kept secrets
Good pronunciation is one of the best-kept secrets in language learning. Not only does it help you communicate more clearly and effectively, but it can also help you cover up some of your grammar mistakes.
As an Italian, I notice that I pay close attention to how someone sounds while speaking Italian. Before becoming a teacher, I used to emphasize pronunciation quality more than grammar skills. I often ended up pleasantly surprised, overvaluing someone's Italian just because it sounded good xD
By pronouncing words clearly and with proper intonation, you can sometimes make up for small errors in your grammar. This doesn't mean you should neglect grammar altogether, but investing time in improving your pronunciation can pay off in unexpected ways.
Also, good pronunciation can help you build confidence in your language abilities too.
When you speak with a clear and accurate accent, you feel more in control of the conversation and less intimidated by the language barrier. This leads to more productive and enjoyable interactions with native speakers, which in turn helps you progress faster in your language learning journey.
Does anybody really care? We all speak broken English, why not broken French, broken Dutch etc...?
As with everything, sensitivity to accent varies from person to person. However, most countries pay significant attention to a speaker's accent—both native and foreign.
In Italy, the variety is so vast that we can detect speaking differences within just 30 kilometers. Accent makes you part of a "local tribe", making you sound more or less familiar to the people you meet. This either creates or removes barriers between "you" and "potential friends". Of course, some people are happy to meet you regardless of how you speak/look/smell :D but in my experience, Italians frequently point out when someone isn't from a certain place.
If this is how we treat our compatriots, imagine the level of attention given to how foreigners speak :)
Remember: people understand accents mainly through exposure. If you speak in a way that might sound too unfamiliar or that the average Italian isn't used to, they'll struggle more and their patience may quickly wear thin.
When meeting average people as a foreigner, stereotypes often come into play. Many Italians who grow up somewhat anti-French (I'd call it an "inferiority complex"—but that's another of our secrets), find that speaking Italian with a heavy French accent isn't advisable haha. Of course, others might find it charming :) It's a matter of taste, but you never know who you'll encounter! The same applies to the German accent, which unfortunately media often associates with "grumpy/nasty" characters.
Dutch learning resources are quite frank about this: speaking Netherlandic Dutch in Flanders won't help, and having a strong French accent when speaking Flemish will likely make people switch to English within seconds—in the best cases.
This is why I emphasize pronunciation so much in my lessons.
Think about foreigners speaking your language, or if you haven't met any, look for examples on YouTube. What strikes you more: how familiar they sound to your ears or the grammatical correctness of their speech?
Wrap-up
Thanks for reading this far. I've tried to examine reality beyond clichés. Even if it means adjusting our expectations and being slightly less enthusiastic about certain things, this approach helps us think more rationally and handle situations better.
So what's next? How can I continue on this path of feeling more at ease with the people around me as a migrant?
If this has piqued your interest and you'd like to learn more efficiently, some of my resources might be helpful to you!
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